What? Me Lie?

Alan W. Davidson of Conversations from Land’s Edge tagged me with the I Never Tell a Lie meme. Problem is, Alan, I actually don’t lie. Never. I get caught ‘cause I’m no good at it.

Here’s the “rules” of the meme:

Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie.

But since I don’t lie, I’m going to answer the questions truthfully, then pass it on to people I know who could lie with a straight face and never get caught. Here goes:

Pride: What is your biggest contribution to the world?
My Master’s degree is in Speech Communication with a specialization in Oral Interpretation. Just after graduation I was hired by Columbia University to teach. While there, I took on, as a special project, a young man who had many problems talking in public. He stuttered, raced through his speeches, was too shy to look at his audience and spoke in a monotone. A political science major who hoped to advance in international relations, he desperately needed my help. I sacrificed hours of free time I could have spent at my favorite pub, The Mighty Ivy. But it was worth it to see him grow. It was with complete delight that I read this man’s acknowledgment of my efforts in his book, Yes We Can.

Envy: What do your coworkers wish they had which is yours?
My ability to drink an entire Coke in one swallow. I can open the bottle, gulp it down, and have the empty bottle back on the table in 14 seconds. Comes from my years as a mermaid doing underwater picnics.

Gluttony: What did you eat last night?
Jalapeños. Although that’s really not all that unusual. In Texas, jalapenos are a staple in everyone’s diet. I love to add them (seeded) on top of my cereal, but last night I made Jalapeno Poppers -- jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese, piquin pepper seeds and wrapped in bacon, then baked in the oven - 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Lust: What really lights your fire?
Chickens. I’m not lying. Chickens. Have you seen that chicken at football games? He can dance - and he has a trigger you don’t want to mess with. He will attack players, fans, other mascots, anyone who looks at him wrong. Yeah. Chickens.

Anger: What is the last thing that really pissed you off?
My next door neighbor. She went all holier-than-thou on me. Wagging her finger, tsk-tsking, carrying on like she was some kinda saint. Excuuuse me! Who hasn’t slipped their left-over chicken skin and fat and dog poop in someone else’s garbage can? I mean, come on, that stuff can really smell up your own can. It wasn’t like it was gonna stink up the whole neighborhood; she keeps her can inside. Jimminee, if you don’t want my trash, put a better lock on the church’s back door.

Greed: Name something you keep from others.
Water. Here in central Texas we’re in a major drought. Huge. No rain in forever. Hotter than hell (I should know, I think I’m going there after my Anger answer). The lakes around here are way low - Lake Travis is down so low, islands have appeared. Truth is, I’ve been hording water. I built an underground tunnel from my house to Lake Travis and have been siphoning water. I have my own lake in my backyard. I call it Lake MeMeMe.

Sloth: What's the laziest thing you've ever done?
I once went 32 days without bathing. Seriously. Bathing is so time consuming. Plus, there was a month-long marathon of Dennis the Menace on TMZ, non-stop, 24/7. Could not miss any of that! I was pretty crusty after that (cheetos, jalapeños and Coke are not the best diet), so when the marathon was over, I went down to the local car wash and walked through. Man, that big blow dryer at the end is fast! Plus, by carrying my clothes over my head, I got the washing done at the same time.

I’m going to tag 4 people (too lazy to do 7 -- see my Sloth answer). I’m tagging Marvin Wilson of The Old Silly’s Free Spirit Blog (yes, I tagged him last week with the Friendship meme, but I think he would be especially good with this one), Mary Gordon Spence of Finding Magic in the Mundane, Maryann Miller of It’s Not All Gravy, and Carol Kilgore of Under the Tiki Hut.

Make sure you visit their blogs and tell them they’ve been tagged. They’ll probably lie and deny they know me when in fact we’re first cousins, twice removed. And while you're zipping around, stop by The Blood-Red Pencil. I'm blogging over there today about things you can do to avoid writer's block.