Monday, June 29, 2009

What? Me Lie?

Alan W. Davidson of Conversations from Land’s Edge tagged me with the I Never Tell a Lie meme. Problem is, Alan, I actually don’t lie. Never. I get caught ‘cause I’m no good at it.

Here’s the “rules” of the meme:
Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie.
But since I don’t lie, I’m going to answer the questions truthfully, then pass it on to people I know who could lie with a straight face and never get caught. Here goes:

Pride: What is your biggest contribution to the world?
My Master’s degree is in Speech Communication with a specialization in Oral Interpretation. Just after graduation I was hired by Columbia University to teach. While there, I took on, as a special project, a young man who had many problems talking in public. He stuttered, raced through his speeches, was too shy to look at his audience and spoke in a monotone. A political science major who hoped to advance in international relations, he desperately needed my help. I sacrificed hours of free time I could have spent at my favorite pub, The Mighty Ivy. But it was worth it to see him grow. It was with complete delight that I read this man’s acknowledgment of my efforts in his book, Yes We Can.

Envy: What do your coworkers wish they had which is yours?
My ability to drink an entire Coke in one swallow. I can open the bottle, gulp it down, and have the empty bottle back on the table in 14 seconds. Comes from my years as a mermaid doing underwater picnics.

Gluttony: What did you eat last night?
Jalapeños. Although that’s really not all that unusual. In Texas, jalapenos are a staple in everyone’s diet. I love to add them (seeded) on top of my cereal, but last night I made Jalapeno Poppers -- jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese, piquin pepper seeds and wrapped in bacon, then baked in the oven - 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Lust: What really lights your fire?
Chickens. I’m not lying. Chickens. Have you seen that chicken at football games? He can dance - and he has a trigger you don’t want to mess with. He will attack players, fans, other mascots, anyone who looks at him wrong. Yeah. Chickens.

Anger: What is the last thing that really pissed you off?
My next door neighbor. She went all holier-than-thou on me. Wagging her finger, tsk-tsking, carrying on like she was some kinda saint. Excuuuse me! Who hasn’t slipped their left-over chicken skin and fat and dog poop in someone else’s garbage can? I mean, come on, that stuff can really smell up your own can. It wasn’t like it was gonna stink up the whole neighborhood; she keeps her can inside. Jimminee, if you don’t want my trash, put a better lock on the church’s back door.

Greed: Name something you keep from others.
Water. Here in central Texas we’re in a major drought. Huge. No rain in forever. Hotter than hell (I should know, I think I’m going there after my Anger answer). The lakes around here are way low - Lake Travis is down so low, islands have appeared. Truth is, I’ve been hording water. I built an underground tunnel from my house to Lake Travis and have been siphoning water. I have my own lake in my backyard. I call it Lake MeMeMe.

Sloth: What's the laziest thing you've ever done?
I once went 32 days without bathing. Seriously. Bathing is so time consuming. Plus, there was a month-long marathon of Dennis the Menace on TMZ, non-stop, 24/7. Could not miss any of that! I was pretty crusty after that (cheetos, jalapeños and Coke are not the best diet), so when the marathon was over, I went down to the local car wash and walked through. Man, that big blow dryer at the end is fast! Plus, by carrying my clothes over my head, I got the washing done at the same time.

I’m going to tag 4 people (too lazy to do 7 -- see my Sloth answer). I’m tagging Marvin Wilson of The Old Silly’s Free Spirit Blog (yes, I tagged him last week with the Friendship meme, but I think he would be especially good with this one), Mary Gordon Spence of Finding Magic in the Mundane, Maryann Miller of It’s Not All Gravy, and Carol Kilgore of Under the Tiki Hut.

Make sure you visit their blogs and tell them they’ve been tagged. They’ll probably lie and deny they know me when in fact we’re first cousins, twice removed. And while you're zipping around, stop by The Blood-Red Pencil. I'm blogging over there today about things you can do to avoid writer's block.

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  1. "It was with complete delight that I read this man’s acknowledgment of my efforts in his book, Yes We Can."


  2. Thanks, Helen. I needed to laugh this morning.
    Karen Walker

  3. A whole coke in one swallow??! I’m impressed. Does that work with beer, and, is it a learned skill? Sure would minimize a lot of my sober time…which, let’s face it, is just wasted time…uh, no pun intended.

    Best regards, Galen
    Imagineering Fiction Blog

  4. Helen, you continue to amaze me. Indeed you are a Renaissance woman--and funny, too!

  5. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't funny - ha!

    Sigh, I don't meme tag games, but I ain't gonna lie to you and say I won't do this one or not.

    See that's the trick to good, effective lying - use enough double negatives to avoid the truth and any possible understanding of what you really are thinking and/or meaning! :)

    LOL - OK, guess I'll pick this one up and do it. Am I lying? You'll just have to visit my blog and see. (wink)

    The Old Silly

  6. You're a good sport, Helen, for playing along with that...

    I can relate to the young, public speaking guy as I am terrified of that myself. I was wondering, also, if the Coke guzzling applied to beer. The sloth and anger comments made me laugh out loud.

  7. You can apply the coke guzzling to any liquid. I learned on Hawaiian Punch. The carbonation of the coke makes it a bit more challenging, though.

    I will be checking up on you Marvin - and you, too, Mary Gordon.

  8. You are certainly creative, Helen. Thanks for the good laugh today!

  9. LOL, Helen. Peppers on your cereal. Now that's a lie. :-) But hose bacon wrapped peppers are really good. I had some grilled one time. Yum.

    So how does this meme thingy work? If you have a minute let me know on my blog and I will do it later today.

  10. Thirty-two days? You must have been living alone. :) Thanks for not tagging me, Helen. Like you, I'm not comfortable lying or with liars.

  11. Jalapeños on cereal sounds so much tastier than a bland banana! Haven't seen a meme quite like this before. Your answers are really funny.


  12. Thanks. A. Lot. Now I need to get creative. I want to go back to vacation!

  13. The trick is to tell just enough truth to make someone wonder, however briefly, whether it's all true. Now, you may be wondering what parts of my lies were true!

  14. ROTFL! I just KNEW you were really a mermaid! In which case, I certainly don't blame you for hogging that Texas water. ;0


  15. Helen, it was a fun game! But now you talked about lies, I'm not sure what to believe in the entire post. Drinking a whole can of coke in one mouthful...not true!

    Bargain with the Devil

  16. Excellent and funny and probably all true...who could make up stuff like this?

  17. Glad you didn't tage me - I'm a terrible liar!!

    And a whole Coke bottle in one swallow? I'm impressed!

    L. Diane Wolfe

  18. Okay, I admit, I cannot drink a whole Coke nonstop. (Too much carbonation) When I was a mermaid (and that is true, I was) I could drink an entire bottle of Delaware Punch non-stop and that was underwater. We usually took a couple of breaths, though, just for show, but we sometimes hurried things along when we were goofing off.

  19. Helen,

    When I started reading this, I thought we were going have to have to revoke your Texas citizenship. You can't be a good Texan without telling tall tales. But as I read a little further, I realized we need to recognize you as a great Texan tall taler. :-)

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Lillie Ammann
    A Writer's Words, An Editor's Eye

  20. You are too kind, Lillie. There are some mighty big tall talers here in Texas, for sure.

  21. You're so good at this it's frightening. I can't tell where the truth falls over the edge into lie territory!

  22. lol! I enjoyed reading this. Chickens huh? Funny, funny.

  23. You're right, it is hard to tell when the truth slides into lies. Now, chickens was the truth. I had baby chickens when I was small. I hatched baby chickens. I gave my first boyfriend a baby chicken for his birthday present.

    Now, how much of that was true?


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